I sit on the couch.
In my living room dimly lit by a candle and one night light.
In the quiet of the night...
I sit with a little one who had a fever and can't quite get to sleep. And I find myself cherishing this moment instead of longing to sleep.
I don't know what it is lately with me. Everything makes me cry! And yet no matter how tired I am, I cannot bare to loose one moment to lay the baby down to sleep. Or tuck a child in. Or listen to an excited child tell me a story. I feel like its all happening too fast!!!.
In the quiet of the night I am feeling how small I really am. How this year has really reduced me to a person who is really broken before The Lord. So many changes! All out of my control! And yet out of the pain of the stretching have flowed some of the most beautiful blessings! The kind you can't quite form into words. For words wouldn't do them any justice!
In the quiet of the night...
I reflect over my day. And I ask myself " did I treasure every moment?" "Was I truly thankful for what God has given me?" Oh how my heart longs to be pleasing to The Lord! How I fail before him so many times! What a beautiful life we've been given. Lord help me to be pleasing to you!
In the quiet of the night...
I wrestle against being discontent. How my heart longs for another baby! How I pray The Lord would bless us again! 6 months ago, I miscarried. And yet the other side of allowing The Lord to decide how many children you have, is allowing him to decided how many children you have. And when they come! Never do I assume they will come. He is in control! And how my heart longs to just rest in that gigantic truth!
He is in control!
Yet every so often I find it sliding into despair and longing to hold a new baby again!
Yet, again. I bring myself back to just "being along for the ride". Let me just hold your hand Lord! And allow you to lead me. As a child walking down the street with her father. Perfectly content in where we are. One step at a time! Perfect trust! That wherever we are going. Even though I don't know, you will get me there! I will never be lost or alone!
You will get me there.
In the quiet of the night...
I repent, yet again, for the fleshly responses to my husband. For how The Lord has me in a new season of being a wife. The wife of a visionary command man who most days I don't feel I deserve. How I long to be the wife he deserves. To be the helper he needs! And her what a journey our marriage has been! Looking at where we've come from. And all The Lord has done for us! What a work The Lord has down in us!
And then it hits me! I am a work in progress! I will never be complete! Never feel the satisfaction of being a finished product! I will always feel broken. And tremble before The Lord in awe of his majesty! And as I grow the more precious life will be! The harder the fruit is pressed, the sweeter the juice is. Or something like that! ;)
Lord I thank you for this quietism want tonight!!
In my living room dimly lit by a candle and one night light.
In the quiet of the night...
I sit with a little one who had a fever and can't quite get to sleep. And I find myself cherishing this moment instead of longing to sleep.
I don't know what it is lately with me. Everything makes me cry! And yet no matter how tired I am, I cannot bare to loose one moment to lay the baby down to sleep. Or tuck a child in. Or listen to an excited child tell me a story. I feel like its all happening too fast!!!.
In the quiet of the night I am feeling how small I really am. How this year has really reduced me to a person who is really broken before The Lord. So many changes! All out of my control! And yet out of the pain of the stretching have flowed some of the most beautiful blessings! The kind you can't quite form into words. For words wouldn't do them any justice!
In the quiet of the night...
I reflect over my day. And I ask myself " did I treasure every moment?" "Was I truly thankful for what God has given me?" Oh how my heart longs to be pleasing to The Lord! How I fail before him so many times! What a beautiful life we've been given. Lord help me to be pleasing to you!
In the quiet of the night...
I wrestle against being discontent. How my heart longs for another baby! How I pray The Lord would bless us again! 6 months ago, I miscarried. And yet the other side of allowing The Lord to decide how many children you have, is allowing him to decided how many children you have. And when they come! Never do I assume they will come. He is in control! And how my heart longs to just rest in that gigantic truth!
He is in control!
Yet every so often I find it sliding into despair and longing to hold a new baby again!
Yet, again. I bring myself back to just "being along for the ride". Let me just hold your hand Lord! And allow you to lead me. As a child walking down the street with her father. Perfectly content in where we are. One step at a time! Perfect trust! That wherever we are going. Even though I don't know, you will get me there! I will never be lost or alone!
You will get me there.
In the quiet of the night...
I repent, yet again, for the fleshly responses to my husband. For how The Lord has me in a new season of being a wife. The wife of a visionary command man who most days I don't feel I deserve. How I long to be the wife he deserves. To be the helper he needs! And her what a journey our marriage has been! Looking at where we've come from. And all The Lord has done for us! What a work The Lord has down in us!
And then it hits me! I am a work in progress! I will never be complete! Never feel the satisfaction of being a finished product! I will always feel broken. And tremble before The Lord in awe of his majesty! And as I grow the more precious life will be! The harder the fruit is pressed, the sweeter the juice is. Or something like that! ;)
Lord I thank you for this quietism want tonight!!
2 comments:
This is such a beautiful post Tara & I can relate to so much in it. I have been praying daily for the last 6 years for another baby. The past 2 1/2 have been the hardest & I got to a point where I was so angry at God for not answering my prayers when it seems people who aren't even Christians are given baby after baby. I know the Holy Spirit has been working in me because it's only been the past week or so that I've come to the point of realising ~ if my plan seems good, then the Lord's plan is really, really good. So much better than what I perceive as good ( if that makes sense). I know even though I can write that & mean it with all my heart I will still struggle each month with the hope & expectation & the sadness & grief of unfulfilled dreams (unless the Lord does bless us again as we are praying). When we first came to understand about laying our family planning in the Lord's hand I really hadn't thought about this side of it. I know God will use this time (these painful years) to produce fruit in me, but it doesn't make it easier as you walk through them.
Praying for a little one for you in the near future!
Blessings
Renata:)
Oh, I know what It's like. I just miscarried a month ago and already I'm longing for another baby. I'm holding the ones I have closer and thanking God for them. I thank God daily for my husband too. God has blessed me and I just need to remember he is in control.
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